喬治.卡林名言
38. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
38．想想看，普通人多愚蠢，可還有一半人更愚蠢。
39. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
39．房子只是一個在你外出時儲藏你現(xiàn)有的東西的地方，然后你可以帶更多的東西回來。
40. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man?living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
40．宗教使人們相信在天上有一個我們看不見的人，他每時每刻都觀察著你所作的一切，而這個我們看不見的人有十件不希望我們做的事，如果你做了，他就會把你送到某個地方，哪里到處是炙人的火和煙，還有你要永遠忍受的痛苦和折磨，這些痛苦、烈焰和慘叫會持續(xù)到時間的盡頭。但是，他是愛你的，而且他需要錢。
41. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
41．你知道得克薩斯州的那些判決最大的影響是什么嗎？那里人更少了。
42. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.“”
42. 這讓我想起了我三年級老師跟我說的話，她說：“你給我看一個熱帶水果，我就給你看一個危地馬拉口交者。“”
43. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
43. 我沒上過十歲的，我有一晚上用五乘以了二。.
44. What year did Jesus think it was?
44. 上帝啊，你以為這是個什么年代？
45. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,“” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,“” and “Thou shalt not lie“” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
45. 我們不能把十戒貼在法院的真正原因是：你不能讓“不可偷竊“”、“不可通奸“”、“不可說謊“”這樣的字眼出現(xiàn)在一個滿是律師、法官、政客的地方，這樣會創(chuàng)造不利的工作環(huán)境。
46. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
46．無神論就是不做預(yù)言的體制。
47. “No comment“” is a comment.
47．“無可奉告“”就是一條奉告。
48. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
48．如果一個人一直都面帶微笑，那他很可能是在推銷不能用的東西。
49. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
49．為什么我們說“美國夢“”，你得先睡著才能相信。
史蒂夫.馬丁名言
50. Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!
50．伙計，你瞧法語，每樣?xùn)|西都有不同的詞表示。
51. There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.
51．只有一件事能讓我離婚，那就是我和其他女人在一起的時候被妻子逮個正著。這是我不能忍受的。
52. Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
52．主持奧斯卡頒獎禮就像和一個女人做愛，比爾.克里斯托不在的時候才能實現(xiàn)。
53. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
53．我相信，性是美好的、自然的、健康的，而且是錢能買來的。
54. You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies - all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.
54．你知道你的問題出在哪兒嗎？你看得電影不夠多，生活中的所有困惑都能在電影里找到答案。
55. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
55．醫(yī)生先是告訴我有一個好消息：有一種疾病將以我的名字命名。
56. Why is it we don’t always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?
* As Harris K. Telemacher in “L.A. Story“” (1991)
56．為什么我們總是意識不到愛情何時開始，卻總是知道何時結(jié)束？
* 就像《L.A 故事》中的哈里斯.K.特勒馬西（1991）
史蒂文.科比爾名言
57. “To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush? I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough? Somebody shoot me in the face.“”
-Roasting Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ dinner
57．“和我的偶像喬治.布什共進晚餐嗎？我會感覺像是在做夢。有人會掐我，但是你知道嗎。這可不夠，我的夢可不容易醒，得有人在我頭上狠狠敲一下?！啊?
58. On this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice.
58．在這個節(jié)目里你的聲音將被傳達，當(dāng)然了，是用我的聲音。
59. There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust“”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
59．在美國人們常說這樣一句話：“我們將一切交給上帝“”，這正是上帝想要的：我們的錢。
60. Folks, the President needs a break. He’s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can’t suck.
60．伙計們，我們的總統(tǒng)需要休息一下，就像百德公司的吸污天使牌無繩吸塵器，你不給他充電就沒法吸臟東西了。
61. I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
61．我對美女總是趨之若鶩。自然，看人就像看書，不能從封皮判斷好壞，可是誰會想跟書做愛。
62. Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me “sir“”.
62．我眼睛分辨不出膚色。人們說我是白人，我信。因為警察尊稱我“先生“”。
63. Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.
63．“亞洲“”這個詞英語有四個字母，卻擁有三十億人。
64. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.“”
64．是同性戀本身沒什么錯，但我有很多朋友不太好過。
65. Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.
65．上帝寬恕罪人，可不寬恕罪犯。
