喬.斯圖亞特名言
66. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
66．我按照傳統(tǒng)過感恩節(jié)。我把我的鄰居都請到家里，我們大大美餐了一頓，然后我把他們都殺了，把他們的土地搶了過來。
67. Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.
67．失眠是我最大的靈感來源。
68. We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem - it’s in North Korea.
68．犯罪證據(jù)，有的，非常確鑿，可能利用的大規(guī)模殺傷性武器，我們一直在尋找，以便用作侵略伊拉克的借口。不過，只有一個問題，它現(xiàn)在北朝鮮。
69. We declared war on terror-it’s not even a noun, so, good luck.
69．我們向恐怖主義宣戰(zhàn)——沒有說說而已，所以，我們還算走運。
70. Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.
Jon Stewart’s Stand-up performance at RIT, 2005
70．你知道我們在伊拉克的戰(zhàn)爭多奇怪荒誕嗎，從一開始我們就該知道的。我們進入伊拉克，德國卻不愿意一起。那可是德國，連這個戰(zhàn)爭巨人都不愿插手。
比爾.馬赫名言
71. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
71．過去算罪行的現(xiàn)在都成了疾病。
72. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
72．在我看來，開著飛機撞大樓，根源在他們的信仰。宗教就是神經(jīng)錯亂。
73. Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.
73．對我來說，宗教就是一個介于人類和上帝之間的官僚載體，而且是我不需要的官僚載體。
74. They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week,
which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.
74．現(xiàn)在人們提議要禁煙，一周內(nèi)可能被十個或十個以上人使用的地點都不能抽煙，我就在想，那是不是就是說麥當娜在床上也不能抽煙了。
杰瑞.宋飛名言
75. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
75．男人對內(nèi)衣的要求和對女人的要求一樣，要一點支持，還有要一點自由。
76. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
76．狗才是這個星球的主人。你要是看見兩種生命形態(tài)，一個在大便，另一個在盛大便，你會以為哪個是主人。
77. there’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.“”
77．男性雜志很少給建議，因為男人不知道自己懂得不多，而女人知道，而且樂意去學(xué)。男人想的是：“我知道我在干什么，你只要給我看裸體就行了“”。
78. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.“”
78．為什么人們彼此送花？慶祝各種重要事件和節(jié)日就要謀殺活生生的生命嗎？為什么還針對植物？“親愛的，我們結(jié)婚吧，請接受這只死松鼠?！啊?
拉里.戴維名言
79. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there’s your diamond in the rough.
79．任何人都可以因他滿頭的秀發(fā)而自信。但是自信的光頭，就像雜草堆里的鉆石。
80. If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.
80．如果你實在地說出你的感受，那就有意思了。
81. I’m surprised Hitler didn’t round up the toupee people.“”
81．我挺奇怪為什么希特勒沒把流氓也圈到集中營去。
丹尼斯.米勒名言
82. A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
82. 最近一項關(guān)于警察的研究表明，如果你逃跑的話，被胖警察擊中的可能性比較大。
83. The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dart board.
83 普通美國人日程上的空檔比菜鳥在鏢靶上留下了洞還少。
84. “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.“”
84. 唯一能讓法國卷入伊拉克的方法就是告訴他們，我們在伊拉克發(fā)現(xiàn)了法式頂級巧克力。
杰.列農(nóng)名言
85. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
85．奇怪的是，為什么我們從來沒聽過像“通靈人士贏彩票大獎“”這樣的新聞。
86. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
86. 最高法院決定華盛頓不能上演耶穌誕生劇，但并不是因為宗教原因。因為他們找不出三個智者和一個處女。
87. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.
87. 美國現(xiàn)在體重超重的人要比體重正常的人要多。所以，體重超重的成了正常體重，也就是說，你新年許下的愿望已經(jīng)實現(xiàn)了。
88. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
88. 《新英格蘭醫(yī)學(xué)期刊》有文章稱九成的醫(yī)生認為有一成的醫(yī)生是笨蛋。
羅德尼.丁奇菲爾德名言
89. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
89. 我的父親隨身帶著一張孩子的照片，這個孩子是和他隨身帶的錢包一起到他手里的。
90. Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
90. 我小時候在脫口秀行業(yè)混的時候很窮，經(jīng)常跑到宴會去吃葡萄。
91. I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
91. 在我這個年齡，我想要兩個女孩。這樣我睡著的時候，她們也好有人說說話。
92. A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.“” I went over. Nobody was home!
92. 一個女孩給我打電話說：“你過來吧，我家沒人。“”于是我去了，她家的確一個人都沒有。
93. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
93. 如果你是雙性戀，周末出去約會的概率一下提高一倍。
沙拉.斯爾弗曼 名言
94. When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonades’.
94. 如果上帝讓你得愛滋——是確實讓你得了愛滋——那就弄點檸檬水殺愛滋。
95. I was raped by a doctor. This is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.
95. 我曾被一個醫(yī)生強暴，你知道，這對一個猶太女孩來講是苦澀而甜蜜的。
克里斯.洛克名言
96. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
96. 每個區(qū)都有兩個一樣的購物中心，一個是白人去的，另一個是白人以前去的。
97. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
97. 我住的地方治安極差，差到你還沒挨完第一個槍子，第二個槍子又來了。
98. If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.
98. 如果一個看起來十六歲的女的跟你說她二十歲，那她實際十二歲。如果是看起來二十六，跟你說也是二十六，那她可能已經(jīng)快四十了。
99. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?“”
99. 你知道這個世界有多瘋狂嗎，最好的饒舌歌手是白人，最好的高爾夫選手是黑人，NBA身高最高的選手是中國人，瑞士人衛(wèi)冕美洲杯帆船賽事，法國指責美國自大，德國不參戰(zhàn)，美國最有權(quán)的三個人分別叫“布什“”（譯者注：英文“雜草“”的意思）、“迪克“”（譯者注：美國俚語里“男性生殖器“”的意思）、“科隆“”（譯者注：“結(jié)腸“”的意思），還用我就更多例子嗎？
100. “You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.“” Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars
100.接下來的四位主持人保證讓你們挪不開視線，她們是薩爾曼．海耶克和佩尼洛普．克魯茲
